Part 1: Working with adjectives Adding details to people, places and things

Part 1: Working with adjectives

Adding details to people, places and things

I reflect for a moment.

Oda came from across the station.

We worked in Torri in Sabina for a month or so, then it was off to Rome.

I needed to leave.

He was in Sweden.

Revised:

Having troubles remembering, I was forced to reflect.

As if magnetized, a fellow Swede was pulled in our direction.

(I’d want to do a lot more to this sentence. It could easily be a page of information. But here is a retweak). Though we worked in Torri in Sabina for three weeks, it felt as though we were there six months before we moved onto Rome.

Knowing what my fate would inevitably be, I knew I needed to leave Budapest.

Though he was only in Sweden and I was in Spain, we felt worlds apart.

Adding just a touch of detail makes the ideas a bit more rich. They feel fuller–more alive.

Part 2: Working with adjective clauses [WHO, WHICH, THAT]

Adding detail to people places and things

There were dozens of others.

We told the girls that Martin and Alex wouldn’t mind an extra set of hands.

He had gotten quite close with this girl.

She was trying to convince us not to leave and work alongside her and the eccentric group of others.

I found a bench in a garden.

Revised:

There were dozens of others who were just as petrified.

We told the girls that Martin and Alex, the couple who owned the Roman countryside villa, wouldn’t mind an extra set of hands.

He had gotten quite close with this girl who worked in the hostel where we were staying.

She was trying to convince us not to leave and work alongside her and the eccentric group of others who were swallowed up by the world of hostel living.

I found a bench in a garden that was the sample size of the flora I would come to know in great detail in the months to come.

Kind of like the first answer, my sentences seemed to have come to life a lot more. It’s not just a bland fact, there is substance behind the meaning now. It feels more real. Maybe even more believable for the reader.

Part 3: Working with WHOM, WHOSE, and combinations of preposition + WHICH/WHOM

Adding detail to people places and things

I searched and searched for about an hour, but to no avail, which gave me pause, only for a moment.

I smiled, thinking this couldn’t be it, which was was a tell-tale sign that I was already falling for a girl I had only spoken to for less than twenty minutes.

On the flag itself it read, “This is a message from your Swedish Lady letting you know you are on the right path,” which again should have told me I was going to be with this girl the rest of my life.

There were thousands of invasive trees on this property, all of which, or most of which, or as much as I could handle, were now my responsibility to fell.

Yoga Oasis consisted of five different houses/cabins/huts, only one of which were meant for us workers.

Reflection:

Similar to the first two answers, I like the addition of information using these connecter words. It really feels like the sentence comes to life.

Task: Experiment with semicolons between complicated list items

When packing for England, my girlfriend reminded me to bring my red gortex rain jacket, my heavy duty hiking boots that will keep my socks dry, a couple of heavy duty jumpers, but oddly enough, sunscreen as well.

Revised:

When packing for England, my girlfriend reminded me to bring my red Gortex rain jacket; my heavy duty hiking boots that will keep my socks dry; a couple of heavy duty jumpers; but oddly enough, sunscreen as well.

Reflection:

I’m really loving the semicolon. I feel like my brain can better understand the text. The use of the semicolon is looking really good. This could be a future addiction. I’m already a fiend of commas. I think I just found my new fix.

Part 3: Create parallel lists using ideas in your writing sample

Task: Create a parallel list

When packing for England, my girlfriend reminded me to bring my red gortex rain jacket, my heavy duty hiking boots that will keep my socks dry, a couple of heavy duty jumpers, but oddly enough, sunscreen as well.

Revised:

When packing for England, my girlfriend remind me to bring:

My red gortex rain jacket.

My heavy duty hiking boots.

My jumpers.

My sunscreen.

Reflection:

I don’t think I like the phrases starting with “my.” It kind of feels annoying. Or maybe uninteresting is the right word. I see the next task is to tweak. I’ll see which one I like better.

Task: Create another parallel list in a different form

When packing for England, my girlfriend remind me to bring:

My red gortex rain jacket.

My heavy duty hiking boots.

My jumpers.

My sunscreen.

Revised:

The things my girlfriend remind me to bring to England were:

A gortex rain jacket.

A pair of hiking boots.

A couple of jumpers.

A bottle of sunscreen.

Reflection:

I don’t think I actually like either one. Maybe seeing some more examples in class might help me come up with better solutions in the future.

Part 4: Explore stylistic effects of coordinate series

Task: Examine coordinate pairs

Pros and cons.

Hustle and bustle.

I have to admit, I didn’t see these in my piece, but I do use these quite often in my writing, I’ve noticed. I have mixed feelings about them. I do like the rhythm aspect of coordinate pairs, but at the same time, I’m concerned about the commonality of them. The word, “colloquialism” comes to mind, but I don’t think that’s exactly what I mean. I may have said this before, but I feel it is the writer’s job to come up with their own combination of words. If we fall back on common expressions, I feel like it’s lazy writing. But maybe I’m overthinking it.

Task: Examine/experiment with a series of 3 items

I know you said, but I could only find lists of four or more, which might be a bad sign.

We were told by Amy that it was a day which consisted of four events: Maku’u Farmers Market, Black Sand Beach, Eccentric Dance, and the Grassy Hill.

Reflection:

In this case, I needed the four items, because this Sunday Funday thing consisted of these 4 specific events. But! Looking over some other options, I do think I tend to overuse lists. I’m curious what you think. If we have too many listy things, is that bad sign and should we break them up into separate sentences?

Task: Examine/experiment with a Series of 4 or more items

Being in a hippie space, that meant vegan, organic, gluten-free, vegetarian, non-GMO, plant based, non-processed, and definitelydefinitelydefinitely not produced by Monsanto (something I learned the hard way).

Reflection:

I think I was trying to show just how intense a hippie commune could really be. I was just trying to hint at a sense of hypocritical thinking, where the people I was sharing the space with were preaching love, acceptance, and understanding, but forced everyone into their little box.