Interview with Funeral Home Director

PART 1

The interviewed involved a Funeral director from Pacer Funeral Home in Buffalo, New York. The interview was conducted on 29th February 2020. The interview primarily examined the funeral home director’s role in handling grief. Put differently, the interview aimed at determining how they help the family of the deceased cope with the death of their loved ones. 

Question: What is your job title, and what are you tasked with doing?

Answer: I am a funeral. This is the title on the New York license. If one heads a funeral home, they can take the title of “supervisor,” but still, it is a “funeral director.” I am tasked with planning, scheduling, and coordinating funeral funerals, burials, and cremations. I also arrange such details as to the time and place of services. To formalize the death, I arrange for the family to have a death certificate. Within this period, from the time we received the deceased to the time they are buried, I am tasked with engaging the family and helping them grief. 

Question: How do you emotionally support a grieving family?

Answer: Losing some who has been close can elicit strong emotions in family members. Very early on, I encourage the family to express their grief openly and to expect a multitude of emotions. This allows them to heal. When engaging the family members during this period, the family members are not pushed into opening up. However, the need to feel that their loss is acknowledged. After comforting them, I normally let them share memories of the deceased. While on one day they may want to cry on your should, they may want to vent on another day. Being present and listening compassionately help with the grieving.

Question: As the family grief, do you advise to offer religious support?

Answer: Spirituality a central theme for most people coping with loss. A large part of our clientele are Christians, and we often ask whether they would like to meet a chaplain. The local church pastor is part of the grieving process and often comforts the family. Spiritual works in different ways in that it helps them experience the pain, accept the loss and adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. Turning to spirituality is becoming less and less common, and the clergies are no longer in charge of the show. The religious approach to death has come to be seen as useless by the deeply secular, and some may opt to cremate their loved ones and hold a short service, which quickly ends the grieving. However, the reality of the matter is that this is not helpful, and spirituality has its place in the process.  

Question: You have mentioned that cremation and the quick process of grieving is not healthy. Why?

Answer: Other clients believe that cremating the deceased and eliminating the service is easier, quicker and better. However, this interferes with the grieving process because all the emotion is still there, and it is unaddressed. These suppressed emotions can make become people become emotionally dysfunctional. This, in turn, leads to divorce, substance abuse, depressions, and all sort of things. It is actually proven that is people do not deal with the emotions, they can get stuck and remain emotionally immobile in one way or another.

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Question: Does viewing the body help in any way with the grieving process?

Answer: Body viewing is done at the family’s request, which is a common thing. While some may fear to view a dead body, seeing a dead body of a loved or friend provide closure. There is something concrete in this process. I mean, you are facing the fact that someone is not breathing and awaits burial or simply, and I believe that assists you accept that. So I think that is crucial given that our society is dispersed and like having a funeral attract people all over to grief the loss. So that is one part of it. 

Question: Most people have wishes of what they would their family to do to their bodies. That could be the burial place, cremation, or what to be buried with, among other wishes. Does granting the dead their wish help the family finds closure. 

Answer: Yes. Death is attached with some sense of fear of whether the beloved one is safe where they are. To some degree, executing these wishes help the family feel better. Knowing that the deceased last wishes have been granted gives a sense that they are calm. Given that it aids in mourning, funeral directors are tasked with assisting in this process. One such recent cases is of a father who had requested he be buried with a bottle of whiskey. 

Question: Conflicts are sometimes unavoidable in during this period. How do you handle them?

Answer: Death brings out the best and the worst in families. However, a family fight in the midst of trying to cope with the death of your loved one can feel like a secondary loss. The number one source of such conflicts is fighting over material possession. Families argue over who gets what or even scraping together money for the funeral. Such conflicts definitely interfere with the grieving process. The advice I give to families is to focus on the funeral then turn the attention to other things. Some listen, some do not. Involving their lawyers is the best way to overcome the conflict and have them execute the funeral.

Question: What emotional problems do you encounter?

Answer: Stress is the main problem. Cases of depression are rare. I attribute this to the fact that funeral directors, unlike nurses of doctors, do not deal with the dying but rather the dead. The profession is free of sadness of a life lost and seldom fear death. Seeing death as a natural cycle and something in which there is dignity cushions you from a troubled mind. 

Questions: What are some misconceptions about grieving and mourning?

Answer: First, that grieving and mourning are the same. However, grief is an inward emotion, while mourning is how a grieving person expresses themselves. Another misconception is that there is no end to grief. The truth is that there is an end to grief. At some point, you accept and come to live with it. 

Question: Does your role in the grieving process end after the funeral, or do you offer extra support services? 

Answer: Unfortunately, yes. We do not follow families to comfort them, as it would be unethical to some. The time after the funeral service should be left to the family to heal. 

Part B

The loss of a loved one can be devastating to the family and friends. Most may find it challenging to come into terms with what has happened. However, through engaging with people the right people, they can come into terms with reality. The interview with the funeral director offered a glimpse into the grieving process and how best to cope. From this interview, misconceptions were clarified, and new things learned. Grieving is unavoidable and is several risks that are avoidable.

It is understandable to feel sad when one loses a family member or friend. Mental Health America (2020) advices that these intense emotions are not only limited to sadness but also disbelief, confusion, denial, humiliation, anger, shock, despair, guilt, and yearning. All these sets of emotions are common reactions. One may not be prepared for the intensity or duration of the emotions. It thus follows that the process should be handled properly so that one gets to heal. As the Funeral Director noted, the grieving process should not be hastened. He gave an example of hastened cremations or funerals. Hastening the funeral process does not take the grief away. It thus follows that indeed the grieving process is unavoidable and hence needs to handle appropriately. 

From the interview with the funeral director, suppression of emotions stood out as a risk to the grieving process. The interview revealed that hastening of funeral services increased the secularity of the society and conflicts during funeral services as responsible for interfering with the grieving operation. However, hastening of funeral services cannot be solely blamed on family members. Other factors come into play that necessitates for this to happen. Shimane (2018) observed the commoditization of funeral services as responsible for this trend. He argues that the growing cost of funeral services has made people adopt more a modest approach to the event includes cremation that is cheaper. I agree with Shimane for the sole reason that fundraising for a burial can be challenging, especially in urban areas. This means that fastening the funeral process helps families evade the added agony and mental anguish of high bills. 

Moreover, the growing secularity of society means that people no longer use spirituality as a means to use overcome grief. Lack of a belief in a Supreme God is a common phenomenon across many societies. This cannot also be blamed on families as some are born in secular families, while others may not find the concept of spirituality immaterial. However, there is other mechanisms such as Yoga that can work on them. Yoga, like any other intervention, cannot erase grief. However, it gives one a tool to cope and focus your thoughts. Its effects are long-lasting both in physical well-being and mental clarity (Crowther, 2020). 

Conflict also features as a risk. The interview with the funeral director revealed that wealth as the main source of conflicts between family members. Outside the involving lawyers, the families should agree to handle the loss together and disagree later. Conflict disrespects the dead and appears to mock them. Moreover, conflict can take a toll on the family members besides the loss. The family members should allow for healing after loss. Furthermore, they should acknowledge the deceased wishes on how they intended the wealth to be divided. Nevertheless, this should take place after the funeral service. 

References

Crowther, L. (2020, March 25). Yoga as a tool to cope with grief. Legacy.com. https://www.legacy.com/advice/try-yoga-for-grief-even-if-youre-not-a-yoga-person/

Mental Health America. (2020). Bereavement and grief. https://www.mhanational.org/bereavement-and-grief

Shimane, K. (2018). Social bonds with the dead: How funerals transformed in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 373(1754), 20170274. https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2017.0274